Talking smack about your kids is necessary for survival

I love my kids, but I will talk some shit about them all day long. And I don't feel like I need to say "I love my kids" because of course I love them, but some people don't get my sense of humor so I just like to reiterate. Recently I was actually thinking about how I could pull some Jessica Jones maneuvers if someone or something got between me and my kids. I mean, probably not, but I like to think I could. Let's just hope I never have to find out. In any case, the point is, I love my kids - fiercely. 

So back to the shit talk. They make me crazy on a daily basis. And that's pretty bad considering some days I only see them for about 3 hours. I have a very low patience level - which I probably should have considered a bit more before having kids. They manage to both amaze me and annoy me in the same 10 minute time span. One minute the young male child is happy, putting together a 46 piece floor puzzle and the next he's throwing a tantrum because HE wanted to open his Babybel cheese. Amazing! And then one minute my daughter is giving me some look like "something is definitely wrong but I'm definitely not going to tell you what it is," and the next she's happy as a clam, giggling and running around with her brother. Or, one minute all is going well and the next it's the apocalypse because someone took someone's something (insert - "it doesn't matter what because they're siblings"- here).

Oh and the fun doesn't stop there. They're also like tiny tornadoes. They move from room to room making a giant mess, and when you confront them they look at you with their little heads tilted to the side, like a dog when it's slightly confused. And then you kind of lose it and yell. Hopefully I'm not alone here! 

And we probably shouldn't get started on the whole food thing. What they're eating this week and, more importantly, what they're not. Or, having to show them how to eat. "Honey, you're almost 7, do you think you can try using that fork?" "Sweetheart you're 3, do I really have to continue to tell you NOT to shove the entire chicken nugget in your mouth at once?" And my favorite one lately, "The food stays on the plate and does not get placed around it!" I actually didn't know this was a thing - having to show them how to eat. I really thought it was instinctual or something. Clearly they're savages. (That's one of my endearing nicknames for them - my little savages.) 

I really could go on, but the moral of this story is that kids are nuts, and as such, they make you nuts. And sure, at the end of the day you get to reap the rewards of the snuggles, the kisses and the happy faces. But you definitely navigate some land mines to get there. And therefore, you should totally talk some smack about your kids to your friends and family. It's a survival technique that I promise will help you relieve some stress. You'll get to laugh, and as an added benefit, you'll refrain from strangling one of them.  And you should also absolutely reward yourself with some wine or something stronger like bourbon, vodka, scotch, tequila or grain (if it's serious) - or both. Probably best to go with both for safe measure. 

I feel better already. You?

Peace. Love. And sanity. 

Google that shit - and other basic advice

Hello you lovely people! So the advice I'm going to give you today is going to change your life, make you a better person and increase your circle of friends. 


Ok not really, but hey it was an intriguing intro, right? This really is some basic bitch nonsense right here so if you're not doing some of these, don't tell anyone, and just start doing them. You're welcome. 

Google that shit.
Ok, this one is my jam. All. Day. Long. For work. For life. For everything. And hopefully I'm not blowing up my heroine, big sister spot right now.  My sisters and I text a lot because it's easy for us to keep in contact that way considering we work and have 7 kids between us. And they often throw a question out there and I always answer. So while they may think I know right off the bat how long to cook a two pound turkey meatloaf for, sadly, I do not. I just googled that shit. And boom! I'm a hero. Well, not anymore I suppose. So if you are not doing this, start doing it before someone points you to lmgtfy.com - and then you feel like an idiot. 

Use a weather app.  
I have no less than 3 weather apps on my phone. You do not need the news, or anyone else, to help you in this situation. This is why they make apps - to help you help yourself. Here's a wonderful anecdote on using a weather app ( one of which comes delivered with your phone!) Me and my husband, who, for the purposes of this example, we'll call Channing Tatum; so yeah, me and Channing are standing in the kitchen at 6am, neither of us has been outside yet and I've barely had a sip of coffee. Both of our phones are on the counter and he looks right at me and says, "What's the weather for today?" Ummmm, well dear, maybe you can take a look on your phone just like I would, unless there is something wrong with your fingers? And then of course I get "the look" for not being helpful. But seriously, I am privy to no more information on this weather situation than he is right? So yeah, use your weather app. It's so easy! 

Posting on mom group Facebook pages can be a dangerous venture.
You've been warned here. Some of these FB groups are brutal. I've seen arguments go on for hundreds of comments just because a mom asked what a rash might be on her kid's ass. There are so many problems with this post for the various types of moms on these pages. They are offended by the butt picture, the detailed description of said rash, the fact that other non-doctor/nurse moms are chiming in with their thoughts and then of course there are several dozen moms who throw in the ever so helpful (as if the mom is a complete idiot) "go to the doctor" comments. So tread lightly my friends, it's rough out there. 

Vaseline is good for everything.
Now I know that coconut oil is presently saving the world, and of course you can eat it as well as use it to take off your makeup, but Vaseline is amazing stuff and I put that shit on everything. Hands and feet are dry and cracked? Vaseline overnight with some gloves/socks and you're good to go. Red nose from a cold - Vaseline. Your son who is 3 and has diaper rash because he refuses to poop on the potty? Yup, Vaseline. And when your young daughter comes in to tell you that it's red and hurts "down there". You guessed it, Vaseline. It's basic and it's awesome. Use it. 

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Now this one will require some self reflection and some deep thought. For example, just because I can get 50 pounds of almonds on sale at Costco does that mean I should? Probably not. Hey, my grill is perfect for smoking 20lbs of pork for the party we are having with 16 people. Should I? Nope. Damn my body is slammin' and I can totally wear this two piece, mid-drift bearing outfit to my friend's wedding! Well good for you and your awesome bod, but do I actually even need to ask the question? The answer is definitely no. No, you shouldn't. 

So there you go. Some extremely useful advice to take with you as you move forward in your day, maybe even your life. And you know what they say about teaching a man to fish. Oh wait, you don't? Well maybe you should go and Google that shit. 

Peace. Love. And sanity. 

Thanks for visiting!

-Basically Beth 

Work-life balance: Yeah, sure. No problem.

So, work-life balance. What the hell is that? And I don’t care if you work from home, go to an office, travel, or are a stay at home parent – all of that shit is work. And, it’s also your life considering how much time you spend doing it. So, how is this deemed “work-life” balance? It’s probably a concept that some corporate folks made up to try and make you feel better. (I should google the real origins, I suppose, but does it really matter where it came from?)  So in any case, here we are trying to navigate some kind of work-life balance when really that balance is just a see-saw with an elephant sitting on one side (work) and a feather sitting on the other (life). And with elephant in tow, we move forward. And sometimes you feel like you are doing really well in this work-life balance space. Everyone is happy and thriving, bills are getting paid, some splurges are being made and it’s all awesome sauce. And then this happens:

One day you go to pick up your then 5 year old daughter (she’s now almost 7), and there is a lovely bulletin board for Mother’s day hanging up with the theme “My Mom is…” And all of the kids have pictures up that they’ve drawn so nicely with flowers and whatnot and some of them read: “My mom is beautiful, ““My mom is a princess,” or “My mom is the best in the whole wide world.” And you look for yours with anticipation and excitement and yours says – “My mom is a worker.” Yup! A WORKER! And all of your hopeful thoughts about work-life balance go right down the toilet as you look for a corner to curl up in so you can cry like a baby. And the lovely director tries to console you as you stare in disbelief and let out some uncomfortable laughter and she assures you that no, that’s a good thing; she knows you’re a hard worker. Yeah ok. That is definitely not how it felt. It felt like a punch in the gut. But ya know what, you put your big girl panties on and move forward. And you hug that little apple of your eye and tell her that it is the best picture you’ve ever seen and you love it and can’t wait to throw it out, I mean hang it up, when you get home.

And there you go. Work-life balance. But listen, it’s not all bad right? I mean we work hard and our kids do see that. And we do it for them. Whether we choose to stay home or work outside the home or work in the home and send them off to school/day care! Whatever the case is, we are all working. And we are all trying to balance. And we all love our kids. But at the end of the day when they want something – because they ALWAYS want something – and you are exhausted, it’s ok to say – “I’m sorry honey but mommy is tired from working, commuting, running 100 errands, doing laundry, cooking dinner, giving you a bath, cleaning up and over-working her brain for the day. So if you don’t mind, my beautiful offspring, while I am happy to be close to you after this long day away from you, I’m going to sit here and catch up on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while you play Mine Craft, watch creepy Shopkins videos or play and try to not kill one another.” Mommy loves you. No really, she does.

Peace. Love. And sanity.

And thank you for reading this installment on the musings from my basic life.

Basically Beth Out! (Basic Bitch TBT)

Basic Bitch - The "married with two kids and a job" version

Hello people! My name is Beth, and I'm a basic bitch. Oh, and I'm also rather blunt. And maybe not the "basic bitch" Wikipedia definition (which I just googled) but I'm definitely basic. So it's not horrible, right? Just. Basic. I'm a mom, wife, employee, daughter, sister and friend. Basic. I go to the gym. Try to eat healthy. And many times I suck at those things. I like my weekend cocktails. I love cheese (but it's my gateway drug). And I love to cook but don't get to often enough because of "basic" responsibilities. But when I do and it looks good, I post that shit on Facebook! Ugh, so basic.

 I'm pretty good at my job. Most of the time. Sometimes I even like it. But I could probably be a professional bad-tv watcher if given the opportunity. 

And I consider it an accomplishment if at the end of the week everyone is alive and has one more pair of clean underwear (or diaper) for Saturday.  

Why am I here writing? Well because this basic bitch is trying to be just a little better. A little "more than". I feel like a lot of us want to be a little "more than", and I'm too tired to try and facilitate world peace. So, I figured I would just talk to you. I love talking to my friends but of course because of families and obligations and such, we don't get to do it enough. Again, basic. 

I hate saying the word "resolution" because it just never works for me. So for my 2016 I just want to get the thoughts out of my head and into the world (however small that "world" may be) so I don't lose my mind. And to see if I can't relate to some other basic bitches out there. It may not last and maybe no one cares but hey, if it makes me feel a little bit better I'll take it. 

So I have a lot to say, and hopefully through your ability to identify with some of it you'll find a laugh or two. Or not. But I'll try! Because sometimes shit is just too serious and sometimes when you're a mom and a wife and an employee, you don't get to hear your own voice and it's just kind of screaming in your head dying to get out. 

Here is to getting it out! Basic bitches unite! 


Peace. Love. And sanity.