Talking smack about your kids is necessary for survival

I love my kids, but I will talk some shit about them all day long. And I don't feel like I need to say "I love my kids" because of course I love them, but some people don't get my sense of humor so I just like to reiterate. Recently I was actually thinking about how I could pull some Jessica Jones maneuvers if someone or something got between me and my kids. I mean, probably not, but I like to think I could. Let's just hope I never have to find out. In any case, the point is, I love my kids - fiercely. 

So back to the shit talk. They make me crazy on a daily basis. And that's pretty bad considering some days I only see them for about 3 hours. I have a very low patience level - which I probably should have considered a bit more before having kids. They manage to both amaze me and annoy me in the same 10 minute time span. One minute the young male child is happy, putting together a 46 piece floor puzzle and the next he's throwing a tantrum because HE wanted to open his Babybel cheese. Amazing! And then one minute my daughter is giving me some look like "something is definitely wrong but I'm definitely not going to tell you what it is," and the next she's happy as a clam, giggling and running around with her brother. Or, one minute all is going well and the next it's the apocalypse because someone took someone's something (insert - "it doesn't matter what because they're siblings"- here).

Oh and the fun doesn't stop there. They're also like tiny tornadoes. They move from room to room making a giant mess, and when you confront them they look at you with their little heads tilted to the side, like a dog when it's slightly confused. And then you kind of lose it and yell. Hopefully I'm not alone here! 

And we probably shouldn't get started on the whole food thing. What they're eating this week and, more importantly, what they're not. Or, having to show them how to eat. "Honey, you're almost 7, do you think you can try using that fork?" "Sweetheart you're 3, do I really have to continue to tell you NOT to shove the entire chicken nugget in your mouth at once?" And my favorite one lately, "The food stays on the plate and does not get placed around it!" I actually didn't know this was a thing - having to show them how to eat. I really thought it was instinctual or something. Clearly they're savages. (That's one of my endearing nicknames for them - my little savages.) 

I really could go on, but the moral of this story is that kids are nuts, and as such, they make you nuts. And sure, at the end of the day you get to reap the rewards of the snuggles, the kisses and the happy faces. But you definitely navigate some land mines to get there. And therefore, you should totally talk some smack about your kids to your friends and family. It's a survival technique that I promise will help you relieve some stress. You'll get to laugh, and as an added benefit, you'll refrain from strangling one of them.  And you should also absolutely reward yourself with some wine or something stronger like bourbon, vodka, scotch, tequila or grain (if it's serious) - or both. Probably best to go with both for safe measure. 

I feel better already. You?

Peace. Love. And sanity.